


Dear Dean,

by nameless_novelist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Family Issues, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Monologue, Season/Series 09 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:35:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26047378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nameless_novelist/pseuds/nameless_novelist
Summary: A monologue of Sam Winchester, taking place around Season 9, Episode 10.In this monologue, Sam talks about what home, family, and especially his brother Dean means to him.
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Kudos: 1





	Dear Dean,

You've always wanted a place to call home. Now you finally have one and that's great for you, Dean. I truly mean it. ...Oh, for me? This, a home? I would never call here home. In fact, I don't have a place in mind, when I hear the word "home". I guess there's no home sweet home for me because... because I've never had a home in the first place.

Yes, that's what exactly I've said. Do you still remember your heaven from the last time we went up there? You had your own room with your clean bed and you could even place all your belongings there. But, me? Ever since I can remember, I've spent my whole life on the road and in motels. Maybe that's why I've been wanting something that I never had: a normal apple pie life. And I took whatever choice I have to have that life. So when I left you and Dad behind to go to Stanford, I didn't miss a thing. I had a shot in the future and I had Jessica by my side.

At least, until that one night, you came and take me back to the road. You never looked for me nor called me, not even once. Just because I "ditched" life as a hunter. But thinking back on it, you wanted me to have a normal life, didn't you? Because you never got to. Soon enough I was slowly coming back to my old life and my normal became hunting things, drinking beer, and sharing a motel room. All of that with you. I am not saying the time with you were the best days of my life, because it wasn't. We never change and that means we always fight over the same thing over and over. You are overprotective of me and I have to admit that I am a bit arrogant myself. But still, I wouldn't - and can't - leave you for good. Can you name a single time I haven't come back for you unless I thought you were gone for good?

Amelie. See, even with her, who I thought of as my end of the tunnel, I chose to be hunting with you. Even when I could be closing the gate of Hell for the sake of all the people, I chose to live. I did that because that's what you wanted. Why? Because you are all I have left. People who we've ever cared about? They are dead, long gone. So if there is one thing that I want to do in my life, that is to save you when you are in danger. You would let everyone - even a vampire or an angel or a demon - do that but me. You expect me to have your back, but not to save your ass. Do you think that makes sense? I know you want to be a good brother in front of me. Hell, that was practically drilled into your mind since you were young and it was literally our Dad's dying wish. But Dean, it's time to let that go. You aren't responsible for me. I've been a full-grown adult for a long time.

This time I am not just angry that you have treated me like a little kid and made choices on your own. I just can't forgive you for lying, because you didn't only lie to me, but you also lied to yourself. You say you do things for me, but actually you do things for you, Dean. You hate the idea of being alone. Well, you certainly seem to think that just because we are family, I will forgive you for whatever you do. I am sorry, but I am not. Remember what Bobby told us? A family doesn't just end with blood. And I say it doesn't start there, either. What you did, you didn't think about me. You only thought about yourself.

I know that all you've ever wanted is our family to be one happy family, but it's funny, really. After all those years of leaving me alone for "businesses" and keeping your distance from me in my college years, you want to act like a good brother. Well, to be fair, I don't mind you trying to be one. Even when you keep everything to yourself and sometimes doubt my ability to handle matters on my own, I will always try to see things your way, because I know all the choices you made were what you thought was best for me. But since I never had a proper family to begin with, let me ask you: do we sound like a normal family to you? Is this constant circle of lying, fighting, leaving, forgiving, and trying to save each other, but one ends up dying a typical thing for a family? Every damn time, Dean, you lie to me again and again, because you won't trust your own brother. I am not trying to wiggle out of this one and say I am innocent. I know I am guilty here, too.

Look, the point is if I were to define home and a family, you are my home and you are my family. Because the only one who was there for me -at least for most of the time- was you and no one else. And I really can't lose you again, Dean. You've said so yourself, remember? We are all we have left? And yet you always hide something from me and when everything starts to fall out of your hand, you just break down and run. When all you needed to do were to admit your mistake, maybe apologize for it, and promise me that you'll never make the same mistake. Then I would have trusted you and we could figure things out. Together.

But if you can't see the problem is not the distance between us, but rather the lack of trust, we'll never change. And around and around we go.


End file.
